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In May 2020, Omar Ruiz found himself with a broken heart. “My wife told me she is no longer in love with me” and soon after, the couple, who had been married for 11 years, broke up.
Not only was she crushed, but as a marriage and family therapist, “this whole process has challenged my professional identity,” said Mr. Ruiz, 36, who lives in Boston. “How can I help couples when my marriage is falling apart?”
And so she decided that she had to give up on love.
“People say heartbreak is normal, so we shouldn’t try to fix it,” said Sandra Langeslag, associate professor of psychological sciences at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, who studies the effects of breakups on the brain. But he points out that there are many common and even serious illnesses that we try to treat, so “why not try to help the heartbroken and move on?”
Heartbreak inspired music, poetry, visual art, ice cream filled listening sessions with friends and even a new hotel. Whatever the cause—death, cognitive impairment, divorce, or otherwise—many of those who experience it hope to get better or even fall in love with someone new again.
But what if we really had some control over the process? Can a person deliberately fall out of love? Some sciences say yes.
“You can work on it,” said Helen E. Fisher, a biological anthropologist and senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute in New York. Examines the anatomy of love and Studied neuroimaging in 2005 100 people using MRI to detect romantic love circuits.
Dr. Fisher said she discovered that the same area of the brain associated with hunger and thirst — known as the ventral tegmental area, or VTA — is activated when you fall in love, making it “an impulse, not a feeling.” This biological function makes falling out of love as difficult as trying not to feel thirsty. In other words, it’s not easy.
Kisha Mays, 40, a business consultant in Houston, continued to love her ex-boyfriend even while he was in prison. She said they had been on and off for years and reunited for two years before being released in October 2021. Then two months later, she said she broke up with him.
“Just healing, rebuilding, and learning to trust again now,” said Ms. Mays, noting that Reiki and spiritual healing—along with throwing away all your belongings—help.
Dr. Fisher will agree with Mrs. Mays’ technique: She suggests treating the healing process as if it were an addiction and throwing away cards, letters, and memories that remind you of that person. Don’t keep in touch or ask mutual friends how that person is. “You’re just raising the ghost,” she said.
Dr. who put 17 peopleOne person who just popped out of their brain scanners found activity in both the VTA and brain functions linked to attachment and physical pain. “It’s not the anxiety associated with physical pain, it’s physical pain,” he said.
Dr. Langeslag said there is hope for those who are heartbroken too. he ran two studies to see if people could try to make them feel less in love. Strategies that work? First, it helps you think negative thoughts about the person you are trying to fall in love with. The downside? Dr. “Thinking negatively makes you feel less in love, but it doesn’t make you feel better,” Langeslag said. “It’s actually worse.”
Then what? Divert attention. Think about the things that make you happy other than the person you’re trying to fall in love with. This made people happier, but not less in love.
Solution? Dr. The “one-two punch” or as Langeslag defines it: a dose of distraction after negative thoughts about the person.
His research found that people can intentionally reduce their love, but not completely eliminate it. According to survey data collected from self-reported subjects, the average time for hurt feelings to heal was six months, but recovery time was dependent on several factors, including how long the relationship lasted.
Rachelle Ramirez, writer and editor in Portland, Ore., still remembers a time when negative connotations did the trick for her. At age 15, she felt incurable love for a classmate who was far less concerned with her.
Ramirez, now 47, said: “When I say his apathy is unbearable, it’s often seen as a teenage melodrama.
So how did Miss Ramirez break it? “I pictured him in vomit and holding dead kittens,” she said. “I know it’s extreme and I wouldn’t suggest anyone try it, but it worked for me.”
Some don’t believe in the idea that it’s possible to be willing to fall out of love, regardless of whether it’s backed by science or not.
Bethany Cook, a clinical psychologist in Chicago who specializes in neuropsychological assessment, is wary of the idea of being able to control a falling out. “Love and compassion are basic human needs. We cannot deliberately deny ourselves. That would be like saying we can consciously choose to stop breathing,” said Dr. cook. “We don’t have that power, and pretending to be is a way for the psyche to think it’s in control and an unhealthy coping mechanism.”
“People can fall in love with someone, not just intentionally,” she added. “To suggest that humans deliberately act in a way that exhausts a basic need goes against the fundamental nature of what makes us human and what science tells us about our species.”
It took more than a year for marriage therapist Mr. Ruiz to successfully break out of love. He said he immersed himself in activities with friends and family, along with a combination of a divorce mediator, to help him break up completely with his wife. And the help of a therapist.
“I thank my individual counselor for reminding me that breaking up a marriage is a two-way street,” she said. “Both my ex-wife and I are responsible for what happened.”
Her therapist added, “It reminded me that I’m human and that I’m just as vulnerable to relationship problems as other people.”
It helps reframe the concept of falling in love or falling in love, said Damon L. Jacobs, a marriage and family therapist in Manhattan. “Relationships are channels for more energy, joy and fulfillment, but they are not the only source,” said Mr. Jacobs. That said, having this mindset can help you embrace pain with more grace and perspective.
“When things go wrong,” he said, “we know that we are still amazing, strong, fiercely loving people who will continue to grow and love and evolve.”
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